The Fellowship, a Minivan, a Leaf Blower, and a Few Doughnuts

A Lord of the Rings comedy short story by Inara Sautter

The Fellowship, a Minivan, a Leaf Blower, and a Few Doughnuts 

by Inara Sautter

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Aragorn walked confidently and with superiority across the lobby to the entrance of the apartment building, and dramatically threw the two doors to either side—aiming to relive the glory of that day in the Hornburg.

“Aragorn,” Legolas whispered from behind him. “They were automatic doors.”

Aragorn looked at them with a start. “Indeed. Well, they were taking too long.”

He marched out into the sunlight, and the rest of the Fellowship followed cautiously. Of course, Pippin managed to get his jacket caught when the doors shut again, and it took him and the three other hobbits pulling to free it.

Aragorn opened the passenger door of the minivan that was parked in front of the apartment, and then turned to find the four Shirelings in a pile on the pavement, Legolas and Boromir trying to untie them.

Aragorn groaned, and put his hand to his forehead. “We do not have any time to spare for this. The mall will close within the day! We must make haste!”

“Yes,” Boromir grumbled. “May you hasten away from here.”

Legolas gave him a look that made him shut his mouth, and they finally stood each of the hobbits right side up.

“Come, Legolas!” Gimli called with a sparkle of excitement in his eyes. “Riding a van is much easier than riding a horse!”

Legolas stared up at his friend who sat high above them on the top of the car. “Hold tight, my friend. You are not skilled in this way.”

“Oh, stop your worrying, princeling!” Gimli laughed. “I have tamed many a beast!”

“And yet, many a beast has tamed you.” Legolas answered worriedly.

 Boromir laughed, and clapped the elf on the back. “Worry not, my good elf! Gimli is stout of heart, though he may be more stout of stature!”

“I heard that!” Gimli yelled down.

Legolas still looked concerned, but Boromir and Aragorn ushered them all quickly into the car, and he didn’t have a chance to do anything.

Boromir got in the passenger side, while Aragorn took the wheel. The hobbits all sat unsurely, with two on each seat, and Legolas kneeling between them.

“Legolas,” Frodo said worriedly, “aren’t we supposed to wear seatbelts?”

Legolas opened his mouth to reply, but the deafening sound of acceleration drowned his words. But they hadn’t moved an inch.

“You’re meant to put the car in drive!” Boromir said crossly, and reached for the gearshift.

Aragorn swatted his hand away. “No, stop. This is my minivan!”

He yanked the gearshift into drive, and stomped on the gas. The hobbits were all thrown back in their seats, while Legolas sat still and calmly as if nothing had happened.

Then Boromir dramatically whipped out his phone, and held it out the window to try and videotape Gimli on the roof. Gimli was cackling and looking like he had had too much coffee that morning. But after awhile, and a few blown red lights, his face started to twist, and he moaned: “Ohhh . . . this makes me more sick than riding a horse!”

Boromir then tossed his phone back to Legolas. “Go stand by the rear windshield, and catch him when he falls!” Legolas frowned. “How am I to catch him if I am holding your device?”

“No, I meant catch him on camera.”

Then there was a concerning thud from the roof, and quick as a flash, Legolas dropped the phone in Pippin’s lap, and leapt through the window that Sam had opened to ease his carsickness. He clung to the windowsill, grabbed Gimli by the beard—which was unfortunately the only part of him within reach since he was flying off the car—and yanked him into the minivan. Woefully, the dwarf got stuck in the window, and it took some tugging—and a long speech about how this was hurting all Dwarfish pride and dignity—to get him through.

After they had all been settled down, Boromir realized Pippin had somehow hacked his password, and was poking around on his smartphone.

“What are you doing?!” He demanded, snatching it back.

Pippin held up his hands innocently. “Mmmm . . . nothing.”

“Wait . . . ” Pippin waited for the outburst. “Where is the video of the dwarf on the roof?!”

The young Took looked very guilty. “I wasn’t—”

“You deleted it?!” Boromir cried. “That video was going to make me famous! I could have easily gotten a thousand likes on Instagram for it!”

“Since when have you had Instagram?” Aragorn asked.

“For as long as you have been driving a mom’s car.”

“Oooooooooooh!” The four hobbits crowed.

Then the car jerked to a stop, and the Shirelings and Gimli were thrown onto the floor, while Legolas squatted, unmoving and cool.

“Alright!” Aragorn announced, pressing the buttons that opened the side doors. “Everybody out! We’ve only got almost seven hours til the mall closes, so we must hurry!”

Everyone scrambled out of the vehicle, and entered the mall full of awe and wonder. Aragorn soon disappeared to wander the halls, while the rest of the Fellowship found themselves being led to the large gardening section.

“Master, look!” Sam’s face was all alight. “Oh, glory!”

 Boromir was uninterested in the working of the earth, and stalked off to be depressed about his shattered dreams somewhere else.

Merry and Pippin were also less interested in the gardening, and looked around for something else to do— since it was obvious that Sam would keep them there a long time if they set foot inside. They’re eyes widened and their faces lit up when they spied a large colorful sign that read “Doughnut Land.” Without hesitation, they scurried to the end of the hall, and disappeared inside the store.

Frodo had noticed this, and frowned. “I do believe we shouldn’t leave them alone. They could eat the poor shop out of business!”

But no one else paid him any heed, and Sam eagerly called for his Master to follow him inside. Frodo sighed, and turned back towards the gardening store—hoping nothing would go awry while they were gone. “I’m coming, Sam.”

Sam was thrilled at everything in the large store, and Frodo smiled at his joy. Legolas studied a tree sapling very thoughtfully. “If this tree had been planted in our realm in Mirkwood instead of in this bag, my fair people would have been able to bless it.”

Gimli groaned, and wandered off. He found a large collection of shovels and spades, and scoffed loudly. “These are puny!” But then he caught sight of the power tools, and he started cackling and rubbing his hands together excitedly. It all went downhill from there…

Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were now the only ones left in the doughnut shop, because the daughter of the shop owner had been left in charge when they had come in, and she had run off in fear and bewilderment when two apparently furry footed boys came in and ate two dozen doughnuts each without even chewing! Meriadoc and Peregrin left alone in a full doughnut shop is not a good thing.

Well, that is, unless you are trying to get popular on Instagram…

Boromir was wandering sadly, mumbling about how he had given his life for Pippin, and this was what he got in return— when he noticed the two cousins happily sitting on the checkout counter, swinging their hobbit feet and humming loudly between mouthfuls of doughnut.

“You know Merry,” Pippin said dreamily. “I do think I could eat a hundred of these rainbow Rings of Doom.”

“Oh no, Pippin. I could eat three hundred!” Merry grinned at his best friend. “Especially the brown Rings of Doom.”

Pippin smirked and raised an eyebrow at him. “Oh, would you now! Would you prove it?”

“I would indeed!” Merry laughed. “What? Do you think you could eat more?”

“Oh, Merry! You know I can!”

Boromir started grinning from the doorway, and slowly raised his camera. This would be something he didn’t want to miss.

In the meantime, Frodo and Sam and Legolas and Gimli had been kicked out of the gardening store because of an adventure that included a dwarf, a goldfish pond, a purple garden hose, and a weed whacker, that shall remain untold. But somehow, Gimli had been able to keep one of his many claimed leaf blowers.

“Ha HA!” He laughed. “What a beauty she is! Aye, Legolas?”

He turned towards the elf prince, but, at the same moment, as if it wanted to get killed, the leaf blower turned on and blasted the tall elf in the face. It blew Legolas’ flawless hair chaotically, and—though he looked gorgeous through it all—Legolas for once lost his composure.

That, was the last straw.

He unsheathed his twin blades and sliced clean through the plastic tube on the front. The sound of it falling to the ground smote Gimli’s heart.

“Sheila!” He cried in devastation. “You’ve murdered her, Legolas!”

“I am sorry, Gimli,” Legolas said—regaining his composure and whipping a comb he apparently always carried with him through his tousled hair. “But it had to happen.”

The party walked down the hall—silent, except for Gimli who was bemoaning his leaf blower. Soon they found a place where the already large hall widened, and they saw in its center a wishing well with six benches placed around it. Aragorn sat hunched on one—mumbling something about Espressos and throwing someone into the Cracks of Doom.

Legolas sat down on one of the benches as well, while Sam curiously leaned over the water in the fountain.

“Look, Mister Frodo!” He gasped. “There’s shining things down there!”

He reached down to pluck one from the water, but Strider leapt up, and grabbed his arm. “You mustn’t disturb the water!” He said gravely.

At that moment, Gimli realized that his leaf blower would still work even without the plastic tube but, unfortunately, it was pointing at the water of the fountain. In seconds a wave of water had completely drenched Aragorn and Sam who were still leaning over the fountain and also an old grey-clad man in a pointy hat who sat on a bench behind them.

He looked up and his eyes flamed. “FOOL of a Gloin son!” he bellowed, then stormed off, dripping.

They were all silent and stunned, but then Aragorn sighed and started trying to dry himself off. “See, this is why we don’t disturb the water!”

Just then Boromir ran up—beaming like he had beaten Aragorn in a duel. “I’ve done it! I’ve done it!”

“Done what, Boromir?” Frodo asked, furrowing his brow. “And where are Merry and Pippin?”

“They’re on Instagram!” Boromir laughed joyfully. “They made me a star! Pippin ate six hundred forty-one doughnuts, and that is apparently a world record—and I got it all on tape!”

Then they saw Merry and Pippin crawling towards them —moaning and laughing at the same time.

Boromir beamed at them. “Pippin, my lad. You have officially redeemed yourself from your actions earlier. Just look at how many likes I got!”

But before he could show them, a very grave faced man who appeared to be the manager of something or other approached them. “I am afraid I must ask you lot to leave. At once. You are disruptors of the peace.”

They hesitated in pure astonishment at his words. Then, without a word they all stood up—rather guiltily—and were escorted by the man and a few security guards out of the mall.

As the men turned to go back inside, Merry and Pippin grinned at them, and waved. “Thank you! Goodbye! We are sure to come back tomorrow!”

Gimli laughed. “Yes indeed!” He then stroked his leaf blower gently. “Ahh, Sheila! If you thought this was fun, wait til you ride on the roof of Aragorn’s minivan!”

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Inara Sautter is the oldest of Ambre’s children, would live as an elf full time if possible, and has the dry wit of a Brit but the blood of a Highlander in her veins. She loves to write and dance in her spare time.